“You’re making me hurt myself.”
The shit kids say when they’re bickering is amazing sometimes. The above line was stated in the middle of a bickering session between my son and daughter when things were escalating to the physical realm.
I try focusing on the more positive biz of you related things on this blog. Seeing opportunity rather than misery or suffering is the nature the biz of you blog. However, I couldn’t resist this one though as we all have an immature kid within us ready to bicker with our bosses, workmates, friends or family. You know those times you just stop being open to what others say and stuck in your way. It can even feel like “my way of the highway” or “if you don’t like it, you can fuck off.”
What’s interesting about the quote is the tone of not accepting responsibility and wanting to blame someone else for our pain. It’s so much easier isn’t it, to blame others. We hear this shit all the time from others and if we listen to our own thoughts, we will hear it within us as well. “Can you believe that jerk who just flipped me off like I’m the one driving crazy.” “My boss wont promote me.” “They don’t know what they’re doing.” “The leadership around here doesn’t know how to get out of the way.” “My husband doesn’t do shit around here.” You get the drift. While there may be some truth to our one-sidedness, the undeniable fact is there are two sides to every interaction and we are responsible for one of them. Both sides have responsibility for being open, listening, sharing and exchanging value for value. The other undeniable truth as Mark Manson talks about in his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is that none of us know what the fuck we’re doing. On top of that we’re afraid of it. We feel we have to know or else people will think less of us. We feel like people wont accept us if we are not confident in ourselves all the time. This is simply not true. If they don’t accept you for who you are and what you may or may not know, then why do we need them in our lives. Why do we need to give our most valuable resources of time and energy to their inability to get over themselves? If it’s someone we have to dal with, we can either let go of our fear or we can continue our miserable bickering.
If we have to put up with people in our lives that don’t take responsibility and project their entitlement crap on us, then those are what Carlos Casteneda calls our Minor Petty Tyrants. These Minor Petty Tyrants are tormentors who don’t hold any real power over us. Minor Tyrants cause us to get out of our centers and bicker. Instead of falling prey to our petty tyrants, it’s up to us to let go of our own self-importance and fear of not knowing or being accepted. We are who we are and can’t control the other side of our interactions. Accepting we don’t know a damn thing is the first step at learning especially when it comes to coming to understand the other side of the interaction. Being comfortable not knowing allows us to make mistakes, take responsibility and better ourselves for it. We can’t control others, but we can control ourselves. When we find ourselves entering that childish self-important state, it’s up to us to take responsibility for our side of the interaction. It’s on us to observe our behavior and thoughts and return to our center of maturity when we find childish entitlement tendencies. Being entitled opens the door for outside agencies to manipulate us. The fact is, we’re not entitled to a damn thing in this life. And, when we think others are making us hurt ourselves, we are fucking delusional.
Of course I didn’t tell that so abruptly to my kids. I did break up the physical escalation and talked to them about how there are two sides to every interaction and both of them are at fault. Both of them have the responsibility to grow up and move beyond the bickering. State your case and let the other person do what they need to with the information. Perhaps some day the thought sinks in. There are moments where they listen and work together, so there’s hope. As family is the most important thing in my life currently, I keep looking for the opportunities to give positive or negative feedback on the the matter. My family is the biz of me.
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